THROUGH DARKNESS
by a fan
Summary: A filler between Haven and Shorties in Love. Logan continues to struggle with his depression.


Censor: PG  
Summary: A filler between Haven and Shorties in Love. Logan continues to struggle with his depression.  
Title: Through Darkness.  
  
  
THROUGH DARKNESS  
  
Logan didn't feel like a superhero or even a sidekick. He was physically and emotionally drained. The pain in his chest where the shotgun blast had hit a few days ago was constant. But it was in his mind that the pain was getting worse every day. He didn't want to go back to that dark place where he was trapped a couple of weeks ago. Yet, he felt himself sliding closer. His demons were coming back. Today was the worst yet.  
  
The night they returned from Haven he fell into bed exhausted, still in shock from the events of the day. He could barely remember asking Bling to help Max settle in the guestroom. He awoke the next morning sore all over from the fight the night before. He tried to slide into his chair but the excruciating pain in his chest took his breath away and he collapsed back onto the bed. He tried again several minutes later and somehow made it. He wheeled to the bathroom to wash off the grime and blood of the previous night.   
  
Bling came in to check on him when he heard the water running.   
  
"Logan! How did this happen? " Bling was staring in shock at the massive purple and black bruise that had spread across Logan's chest.  
  
"Shotgun blast. Luckily I was wearing a flak jacket at the time."  
  
"Logan we need be very careful of this. You don't want to risk any permanent damage. You are officially taking a few days off." The concern on Bling's face was unmistakable.  
  
"What do you mean..."   
  
"No chair transfers. No lifting. Nothing. I will be here so don't you dare try and do anything foolish yourself!"  
  
Logan knew it was necessary but it only made him feel worse. Like an invalid who couldn't do anything for himself. And that was exactlly how it was. Bling would lift him into bed and out of bed, onto the couch and off the couch. The worst thing was that he was so sore and exhausted that he didn't have the strength to protest. He knew he couldn't do it himself.  
  
And so the blackness started to creep in on him.  
  
He had tried so hard to fight it this time. He'd called Max often and had her over for breakfast and dinner every day. Her presence was a comfort but then she would leave and the blackness would close in again. He spent sleepless nights staring out the window at the dark city or would fall into troubled dreams of ambushes and shootings and embarrassments.   
  
He filled pages of his notebook with these thoughts yet more came. The embarrassment of being knocked out of his chair by B.C. and being helped back in by Max. She took on all three of them and he didn't even have the strength to get back in his chair. The shock of killing them later. It didn't satisfy him at all. It was almost an automatic reflex. He had to protect Max and Sage.  
  
This morning Max had looked at him in concern as she was heading off to work. "Logan are you O.K."  
  
"I've had a rough couple of days. I really need to get some more rest" He had promised himself not to hide from her anymore. But, he still found it hard to tell her the full extent of what was going on especially when he didn't even understand it himself.  
  
"I'll drop by later and we can talk. Okay?" She walked out the door. Then paused and came back. "Logan if you need to talk or just want me to come by promise that you will call me anytime."  
  
"Okay" His tone was halfhearted and noncommittal.  
  
"Logan. Look at me." Max placed her hands on Logan's shoulders and look gently into his eyes. "I will be here in five minutes flat. Do you promise?"  
  
"I promise." This time he meant it and she released her hold on his shoulders. She placed a soft kiss on his forehead and scooted off to work.  
  
He asked Bling to run a few errands for him and for the first time in days had the house to himself for a few hours. He pulled out his notebook again trying to write down some of his feelings. To clarify them. Sort them out. Purge them. But he couldn't write. He couldn't see that clearly.  
  
The doorbell rang. Logan quickly rolled over. He was hoping it was Max although she rarely came by in the middle of the day. He was really surprised to see Uncle Jonas and Aunt Margo.  
  
"Hi Logan. We haven't seen you since the wedding so we thought we would come by and see how you are doing." Aunt Margo almost had a note of sincerity in her voice.  
  
"We heard a rumor that you were walking again." Uncle Jonas was fishing.  
  
"As you can see it's not true." They just want to see Miracle Boy. They don't want half a person in their family.  
  
"Logan. Why don't you come back to work with us and let us take care of you." Their tone was disapproving as if he a was an immature child that needed supervision.  
  
"I'm doing okay here" Logan said uncomfortably.  
  
"I don't think you are" Uncle Jonas' voice was growing impatient. And then it started. The list of all the things that Logan had done wrong, his mistakes, his failures, his embarrassment to the family.  
  
"Look Uncle Jonas. I'm sorry but I can't meet your expectations. I'm not the Messiah. I can't walk on water." Then he whispered more quietly almost to himself but also to them. "For that matter I can't even walk." It was a quiet plea for comfort or understanding. But as usual it didn't come.  
  
"Well Logan. When you are ready to accept your responsibilities and stop this foolishness give us a call. Otherwise its probably better if you stay away." Jonas and Margo turned to leave. Logan shut the door behind them. The family embarrassment once again.  
  
"You allow yourself to be crapped all over by your family". That's what Max said once before. He had done it again. Fool. Failure. Why did he expect more from them?  
  
Maybe they were right he was a failure. He couldn't stand up to them or anyone else in his life.  
  
He wheeled to his computer desk and without quite realizing what he was doing he tried to push himself into a standing position. "Just stand up for once!" he yelled at himself. But his legs failed him again and he collapsed over the desk. He fell onto the floor taking the contents of the desktop with him. He pushed the chair across the room wanting to get away from the steel trap for a few moments. Above him was the drawer where he kept his gun and by his leg was his phone which had fallen of the desk. He went to reach for it then changed his mind. He pulled himself up towards the drawer ignoring the pain in his chest and pulled out the gun and box of bullets. With all the force of his frustration and fury he threw them across the room.. He then picked up the phone and called Jam Pony. The tone in his voice must have warned Normal that something was wrong because he passed the phone on the Max with a concerned look on his face.  
  
"Max, I'm so sorry about calling you at work, but you said if I needed to talk..."   
  
Max cut him off. "Logan, I'll be right over. Can you do me a favor and talk to Normal until I get there"   
  
"Okay" a human voice was what he needed to hear.   
  
Normal didn't need an explanation. He sensed what was going on and picked up the phone as he waved Max out of the building. "Hi Logan, this is Ray."  
  
Max let herself in and surveyed the room. It was a mess of paper and glass and bullets strewn across the floor. Logan's wheelchair was on its side on the other side of the room. Logan was propped up against the computer desk. Max was relieved to hear that he was still talking on the phone to Normal.   
  
"Max is here now Ray, thanks for your time." Logan hung up the phone and turned to Max.  
  
"Logan, what happened?"  
  
"I'm sorry about the mess. I've been struggling with old demons the last few days. Then Uncle Jonas and Aunt Margo showed up. The things they said kind of pushed me over the edge."  
  
Max sat down beside him on the floor and gently place her arm around his shoulder. "Can you tell me about it?" Her gentle voice encouraged him to share his sorrows with her.  
  
"Max when I told you I didn't care what they thought about me it wasn't true. I do care. After my parents died they were the only family I had. When I was younger I tried so hard to please them. I just needed them to accept me but they never did. I could never meet their expectations. Eventually I stopped trying."  
  
"Oh God Max. Why don't they love me?" The despondency in Logan's voice has heartbreaking. Max was silent for a long time. She knew what it was like to be starved of love.  
  
"Logan, I've never seen a picture of your mom do you look like her?" Logan wondered why Max was asking about his mom now.  
  
"If you will get that album on the shelf I'll show you a few pictures." As Logan turned the pages the memories of his early childhood flooded back to him. His mom smiling encouragingly as he learned to ride a bike. The family car trips and the fights he used to get into with Bennett in the back seat. His dad yelling back at them to quit it but also enjoying the scuffles. His mom who brought beauty and love into all their lives. Despite his rough edges his dad's love for her was unmistakable. And then Logan knew what Max was doing. He did have people who loved him and accepted him and who always would. And one of them was sitting beside him at this moment.  
  
"Max I love you too" Logan responded to her unspoken words and reached out a hand to caress her face.  
  
"Show me some more pictures Logan" she responded with a beautiful smile.  
  
They looked at the album and talked for hours about what his family had been like and what they hoped for their future family. They built their relationship as they talked. Strengthening each other and building an unbreakable bond.  
  
In the wee hours of the morning they both went to bed exhausted but happy. Logan to his room and Max on the couch.  
  
Another day dawned. The light streaming through the window warmed Logan's face and woke him up. He lay still for a few moments enjoying its gentle warmth. He slowly sat up and with his hands placed one then the other of his legs over the edge of the bed. He grimaced with pain as he slid into his wheelchair. It was not as excruciating now. It would soon heal. And so would the darkness that he felt at times. He just needed to trust and reach out and love. He wheeled to the window and watched the sun rise until it was full in the sky. He then pushed himself to the bedroom door and quietly opened it. After staying up most of the night with him Max was still asleep on the couch. He rolled closer to her and watched her sleep for a few moments. She seemed almost angelic lying there.  
  
Logan rolled to his computer and picked up his notebook from the where he had thrown it the previous day. He moved over to the window where the sun was still streaming in and began to write.  
  
Forever Eyes  
Dark  
Somebody's Angel  
  
  
A/N: The seeds of this fic were planted with Haven but it didn't get written until Shorties provided a fitting ending. What do you think? Please R&R  
  



End file.
